Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Joke : The Fat Lady
The waiter asked the fat lady , ' Ma'am, would you like your pizza to be cut n served in 8 pieces '?
Fat lady , ' Heavens, no! 4 would be just fine, I am on a diet !'
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
What is Ramayana upto these days ?
It is good that Ram gets some part of the land to settle down, because now, Sita is running a travel agency,Maruti is making cars,Laxman might retire after the series against Australia,Bharat is financing movies,Shatrughan has joined BJP,Raavan is already a commercial flop and there is peace in Lanka!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Shayari: Urdu
" Woh qatl karte hain toh charchaa bhi nahin hoti....hum ne zara si aah bhari, aur hum ho gaye badnaam "
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Why are Indian students disliked abroad ?
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
Kaun Banega Karodpati with Santa Singh
We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat. ( He pressed the buttons by accident and managed to qualify).
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us.
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. Chak denge phatte aaj. Tusi start karo ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000 Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are:
A. Punjab
B. Punjab
C. Punjab
D. Punjab
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question
Amitabh Bachchan : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time.
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline.
Amitabh Bachchan : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.
Santa : Audience poll
Amitabh Bachchan : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now.
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
A. 25%
B. 25%
C. 25%
D. 25%
Amitabh Bachchan : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your
disgust here.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.
Amitabh Bachchan : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chodoonga nahi aaj isko. Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.
Amitabh Bachchan : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of using all the lifelines in the very first question.This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Phone rings. Banta picks it 'Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adhi raati,???'
Amitabh Bachchan : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein.... #_^_%_#_%_%_&. Ki hal chal he sar ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap
apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur.................
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gayahoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............chaliye mein aapko special
case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega kya ??.
Amitabh Bachchan: Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..... (he tells him the
question).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).
Amitabh Bachchan : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.
And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing...
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here with us.
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. Chak denge phatte aaj. Tusi start karo ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000 Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are:
A. Punjab
B. Punjab
C. Punjab
D. Punjab
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question
Amitabh Bachchan : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can take your time.
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to use my lifeline.
Amitabh Bachchan : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.
Santa : Audience poll
Amitabh Bachchan : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time starts now.
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
A. 25%
B. 25%
C. 25%
D. 25%
Amitabh Bachchan : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your
disgust here.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience ne. I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.
Amitabh Bachchan : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chodoonga nahi aaj isko. Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.
Amitabh Bachchan : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of using all the lifelines in the very first question.This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.
Amitabh Bachchan : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye. Phone rings. Banta picks it 'Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adhi raati,???'
Amitabh Bachchan : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein.... #_^_%_#_%_%_&. Ki hal chal he sar ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap
apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan bethe hain mere saath aur.................
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gayahoga, khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.
Amitabh Bachchan : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............chaliye mein aapko special
case karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez pehen gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega kya ??.
Amitabh Bachchan: Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..... (he tells him the
question).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska answer mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer Punjab hai lallu.
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).
Amitabh Bachchan : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka confidence hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.
And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died laughing...
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Shaayari: Taj ....: Urdu
" Raat ki chaandni mein Taj, noor-e-sangemarmar dikhata hain, par koi soyi padi Mumtaj se poonchein toh usey woh pattharon ka boj lagtaa hain."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Funny Quote: what we think....
What we think, we become....... (But please don't think you are a superhero and don't try to fly)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Zhampya Joke: Marathi
Nuktaatch vayaat aalelaa Zhampyaa shaaleltun ghari yeun Baabaanna mhanaalaa.....' Amchi navin class teacher tumhaalaa kaai saangu, kiti sundar sundar, mhanje khupatch sundar aahe.'
Gaangaroon gelele Baba , Zhampyaalaa samjaavat mhanaale....' Arrey Zhampya, asa bolu naye, tujyaa shikshikaa tujhyaa aai saarkhyaa astaat.'
Zhampyaa.....'Kaai baba, tumcha hey nehmicha aahey, Jithey tithey tumhi tumchitch setting laavtaa'.
Gaangaroon gelele Baba , Zhampyaalaa samjaavat mhanaale....' Arrey Zhampya, asa bolu naye, tujyaa shikshikaa tujhyaa aai saarkhyaa astaat.'
Zhampyaa.....'Kaai baba, tumcha hey nehmicha aahey, Jithey tithey tumhi tumchitch setting laavtaa'.
Quote: when u love someone....
When you love someone, let her free. If she is yours, she will come back to you. If she dosen't, then she was never yours.....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Quote: u judge yrself....
" You judge yourself by what you are capable of. Others judge you by what you have already done."
Monday, July 26, 2010
A touching line: sea....
A line written by kid who lost his parents in the tsunami: " SEA , I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU EVEN IF YOUR WAVES TOUCH MY FEET A MILLION TIMES ".
Quote: personality....
Personality can open doors,but only character can keep them open - Elmer G. Letterman
Funny line: my wife says I never listen....
My Wife Says I Never Listen,... Or Something Like That...
Funny: brandy+water....
Brandy+water=bad for the kidney, Rum +water= bad for the liver,Whiskey+water=bad for the heart, Gin + water= bad for the brain.......So have it neat......
Funny (Marathi): Ayushyaat kadhi na kadhi...
Ayushyaat kadhi na kadhi aapan swatahaalaa kaahi mahatwaache prashna vichaarletch paahijet....aapan kon aahot, kothun aalo aahot, ........Kothey nighaalo aahot....aani tithey potchalyaavar tikadchey bar ughadey astil ka?
Funny Shayari :Usney jis jis jagah....
Usney jis jis jagah rakhe kadam, hamne woh zameen choom li.....aur bewafaa ghar aakar kehti hai,' KAAKU !!!!! TUMCHAA MULGA MAATI KHAATOI !!!!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Kavita (marathi): hasaaichya adhi mala.....
Hasaayachya aadhi mala jaraa saraav karaavaa laagto, manaavarchaa ghaav daabun dharaavaa laagto...........Mi manasokta radoon gheto gharaat kuni naslyaawar , mag sahaj hasaailaa jamta chaarchaughaat baslyaawar.....
source: www.meemarathi.tv
source: www.meemarathi.tv
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